Sunday, November 3, 2013

Where did all my friends who are girls go?... depression or me pushed them away?

I haven't written in awhile. I have been very very busy with work.
However, I have come to the point in my life where I realized I have no girl friends. (And in this article, I am referring to girlfriends in a heterosexual way, ie: my friends who are girls)
Okay- you say- what? You have to have girl friends! You are outgoing, friendly etc.
Well, I guess I have no problems talking to girls, but I cannot sustain a long term friendship unless it is completely connected.

I don't keep in touch with any of my girlfriends. I don't know the last time I called up one of them to talk. Maybe 6 months? Maybe more? I feel utterly and completely alone. I really do. I have completely isolated myself from them.  Honestly, I sometimes feel as though I am incapable and don't know how to have girlfriends. I can talk to people, I can hold conversations but I don't know how to have girl friends. Is it because I have felt betrayed by my friends? Yes. Is it because I feel awkward and I don't like rejection? Yes (isn't that a thing that girls think about guys... no with me, guys are not as scary).
All of my friends are guy friends and lets be honest, it is odd to just have male friends to me because most of them "want to date me" and I know I shouldn't continue to hang out with males who want to date me, while I am using them to fill my void of having no girl friends....
Plus, it is hard for me even to date because if I do become in a relationship, it is not enough because I don't have any other friends outside of the relationship because they are all male friends.

Honestly, this post was more deciphering my feelings. I am starting to think I have more diagnoses then depression. To me, labels are clear and concise and then easier to treat (from an OT point of view-my only OT point of view for today) but sometimes people and things don't fall under labels.... unless I am labeled as " lonely girl who is scared to make girl friends but miraculously has lots of guy friends" .....
until next time. stay healthy.